The Great Fondness of Now
By Damian Burford
I’ve had half a pot of coffee and I keep writing way to much nonsense on this here idiot box and then not posting it.
I apologize for the humble/brag post, but this is meant to be an inspirational post after this last weekend’s “World Suicide Awareness Day” & Trve Brewing’s event for Brandon Gay, who took his life last year.
I was talking to my friend Kelley the other night and she asked me how I was doing, and I told her about the new restaurant and how I wish it was a little busier, but then she looked me dead in my eyes and asked me, “No, HOW ARE YOU DOING?” She made sure to enunciate every single word, so I would know she was serious. She wanted to know how I was doing. Not some bullshit catch up answer. She wanted the honest to goodness truth.
I sat there and thought for a moment before answering with a thought that pops into my head late at night when I’m sitting on the balcony, watching the world turn by me. I sit out there and I think to myself:
“When I look back on these days I will look back on them with great fondness.”
Sounds cold and heartless, but these are my halcyon days. These days are great and amazing and I’m trying my hardest to take the advice that was given to Kurt Vonnegut:
“I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”
I feel the happiest, healthiest and best I have ever felt in my entire god damned life of misery. I didn’t know how much of a sad sack piece of shit I had been for years, wallowing in my self-made misery. I look back at these Facebook on this Day posts, and I want to tell that angry, shy, scared little boy that things will be alright. You’re only acting out because you don’t actually understand that you are the architect for your own misery. I spent so much time wanting and needing to be a part of something to be excepted that I didn’t realize I had to work to except myself first.
In the immortal words of RuPaul Charles: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? “
I want to tell that stupid little brat of a man, “One day you’ll add those tools to the toolbox you need to not only get by in the world with more ease, but will allow you to share and help others find their ease.” Actually, I think I did this the other night while staring into the mirror after too much nighttime sleep aid.
I want to tell that whiny fool, “One day you’ll start working on yourself and you’ll meet the most wonderful and supportive partner who wants to be with you because she sees how hard you work on growing and changing into the best person you can be.” I don’t think that younger boy would have listened. I just have to learn things the hard way, but you don’t have to.
The point of this is, If my dumbass can get here, so can you. And If I can get here once, I can get here again. I can do it. You can do it. We can do it.
I want to keep ranting and raving and telling you how I did it, but we’re all different beasts. What worked for me, might not work for you, but you have to be open to making yourself a better person. And each and every day I feel like I’m a better person than I was before and I’m just going to keep going in that direction.
I get it why people are so annoying when they discovered the Gym, diets, religion, philosophy, crystals, astrology, ect… It’s because it’s a secret Pyramid Scheme.
Let me explain, when we start to work on ourselves, when things start to really change for the better… you feel great. But you know what feels even better? What makes that dopamine hit even harder? Is getting other people to join up and feel great as well. You’ve opened their world and you get even more hits of dope. So you become the friend of your group selling lifestyles like it’s Mary Kay.
So the point of this is that I I wanted to share a few things that have helped me feel this way. It might not work for you. We’re all super different and have different needs/programming/experiences. I’m not trying to sell you supplements here…
*Honesty with yourself. (I’m Damian. I have limitations and I have different strengths and weaknesses. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be you.)
*Prozac (I get the shakes and stutters sometimes and terrible leg cramps, but it beats feeling like I’m drowning in my own head.
Meditation. (It helps quiet all the damned noise and helps me understand that thoughts are more like annoying little pop ups you get on your phone when you haven’t used an app for a while.)
*Empathy. (Maybe if I understand people better, I won’t hate them as much.)
*Philosophy (Changes the way you look at the world.)
*Reading (Fiction, Non-Fiction, Memoirs: Changes the way you look at the world.)
*Drag Race (helped me understand just how different we all are, and how we’re still so much the same.)
*Too much Weed. (Helps me relaxxxxxxxxxxx, man. Helps me open my mind! Helps me sleep! Just helps me not take the world so god damned seriously!)
*Writing (It helps me find my true voice and it just feels good.)
*Service (Helping people who need help. Or writing self congratulatory Facebook posts and hope people gleam something from them.)
*Being true to yourself and just how fucking weird you are and then embrace it, cause the only people worth knowing are the weirdos.
This is of course not everything. I have another draft of this that is about 10,000 words longer and even has me defending Juggalos.
But I’m trying to keep this short.
We’re all so very different, but at the end of the day, human beings just want these four simple things: “Health, Happiness, Safety & to live with Ease.” Everything else is bullshit.
So I work to find my honest to goodness True North and I’m following it. I’m happier and healthier than I’ve ever felt. Me. This fat fucking meat-sack of sadness and anxiety and depression found happiness and sure, it won’t always be here, but if I just keep on trying to live an honest, good life… I’ll find it again and again and again. And maybe, just maybe this lunatics’ rant will help you on your own journeys to finding happiness.
Here’s a photo of myself living my best life. Reading Kurt Vonnegut. Drinking coffee. Dickers the Lady Tabby Cat in my lap. Texting my lady how much i love her. Yeah. I’m going to look back on this time with great fondness.
