This is a Facebook post from April 23, 2019. This was the beginning of my Anti-Depressants journey. I like a lot of what was written here and wanted to save it here for posterity as Facebook slowly smothers the life out of it’s platform. -Damian April 2023
A few months ago I posted on here asking for help with my mental health. I got over 100 responses and… Well. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t read any of it. I was too embarrassed and overwhelmed, but thank you all for your advice.
This is going to sound like I’m bragging or I’m looking for attention, but I just wanted to put this out there for those who struggle in silence, so that those can know they are not alone and if this buffoon here can work to make himself a better person, so can you.
As of Thursday I will be one month alcohol free. I haven’t “quit” drinking, but I’ve taken an extended sabbatical from booze. I gave myself a goal. I can not drink until I lose 25lbs. The first week was ROUGH, but once that detox was finished it has been smooth sailing. Best part, I don’t feel like I have an alcohol addiction. But I had been using alcohol in an unhealthy manner to deal with my temper, depression and really just turn off my fucking brain that never stops going 100 miles an hour. I do feel a lot better without it in my system, but god damn some days I just want that hoppy taste of an IPA in my mouth. Especially since the weather has turned for the better.
I’ve also switched to a mostly vegetarian diet. I’m working on eating about 1500 calories a day. It’s been almost a month and I’ve lost 10lbs already. It would probably be more, but while I don’t feel I’m addicted to alcohol, but sugar and EASTER CANDY are a real struggle to stay away from.
The weather has changed and it’s nice outside and I feel a thousand times better, most days. My temper is more under control and it’s easier to get out of bed, but I have to be careful because some days I feel super manic. And What goes up, most come down. I try to live my life on an even level. It’s hard work to keep yourself at a constant 5 out of 10, but that’s to help the manic fall, or to help keep me a float when I’m drowning, but lately I’ve had many people tell me how much better and happier I have been in these last few weeks.
Today I saw a doctor for the first time in 15 years. Blood pressure was good, and every test she ran looked normal and fairly healthy. Still waiting on that blood work.
We did sit and talk for a while about my mental health situation, which was the main reason for my appointment. As of today I’m going to be taking Zoloft. I always thought I was bigger, better and stronger and I didn’t need drugs. I could fight this on my own, but I can’t. I’m not going to make it without help. Easy words to type out to a computer screen, but hard to say out loud.
Things are okay now that the weather is better, but a few months back I was drowning in my head. My temper was out of control. I was like a live wire or raw nerve, on top of working in a very bad work situation, in a job that already takes a lot out of people.
It’s like being in an older video game, you reach the boss at the end of the level and you hit him over and over and over and then as the bad guys life bar hits a certain level they go berserk and bounce around and are harder to kill. I’m the monster at the end of the level and every day is a struggle to keep that life bar level high enough to not go berserk, to not lose control.
Recently someone I once was friends with killed themselves and that was it. I thought to myself, this is going to be me if I don’t get the help i need. The help I have been asking for. I’m going to die and I don’t want to die. I’m tired of drowning inside my head. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of every single day being a fucking struggle.
There were only two real moves. Get busy living or get busy dying. So I just took my first hit of generic Zoloft. I have an appointment next week with a social worker who is going to work to find me the right therapist. I’ve been working to right the ship.
And I want to thank all of you who have stood by me or called me out on mys shit. I want to apologize for those who may have been on the receiving end of my temper these last few months. This isn’t going to be a quick and easy fix, and fix is the wrong word. I’m just putting more tools into my toolbox and learning how to use the tools I have.
And for those of you who feel like they are drowning, there are life lines. It’s hard to admit there is a problem, I didn’t want to for so long. It’s a scary thing. But I’m as hardheaded and as stubborn as they come, if I can finally look for help, so can you. There are non-profits that will help. South Logan family practice came highly recommended to me, but I chose to go another avenue.
Again thank you to all of my friends I don’t deserve you guys at all and thank you all for the well wishes. If any of you have any advice on Zoloft, please message me. I’m going to do my research on it as well. I wanted Wellbutrin, but we think the anger/temper competent of my stuff comes from anxiety and a light case of OCD so we’re giving the old Z a college try.
And I love you all, but there is really no need to comment on this. Coming out with shit like this this already overwhelming enough. haha. But again, thank you all. I’m going to turn this off for the rest of the day. Go to the park or something or maybe I’ll just watch THE GOOD PLACE for the hundredth time again.
