Who else is feeling this FULL MOON juju?
Claire says I’m feeling it extra hard because it’s a full moon in Leo and I’m one of the most Leo ever, but that’s magic and malarkey… isn’t it?
I’m sitting here tonight in my living room in Napa with the Full moon floating right outside our patio door. It’s moonlight is the only thing lighting this living room, other than the glow of this laptop. I’m sitting here soaking in the night and I’m sitting here doing what I always do in these late evenings, thinking about life, the universe and everything.
Claire and I sat back tonight and under the moonlight, we talked about our future.
Our Future.
So strange after so many years of feeling completely alone and isolated to have someone to share this thing we call life with.
We sat and we talked and it felt… GOOD. It’s so strange to tell someone all your crazy ideas and have them not only encourage them, but get them.
She believes in me and this manic/add/depression addled brain and sees so much potential inside it, and when I look at her I just see so much potential in her. We’re a great team, even when we are fighting about something stupid. Most of our fights are about something stupid, or because someone skipped a meal.
I’m sitting here tonight in the moonlight and I can’t help but feel so fucking lucky for this life that I’m getting to live. Once upon a time I couldn’t imagine living past 21, but now I’m unfathomly 40 years old and I’m thinking about my next decade.
She’s asleep in my lap, and I’m watching the Full moon. I think about the past and I wish I could go back in time and tell that broken little boy that I use to be, the one that would throw fits on the internet when things wouldn’t go his way, or thought that all his problems would be solved if he “MOVED TO DENVER….”
But YOU, DAMIAN, were the reason for all the bad shit that happened in your life. Once you stopped drinking yourself to sleep every night and once you stopped blaming the city of Colorado Springs for all your short comings and really stopped and looked at the picture…
I was a broken, depressed little boy who had not dealt with the death of his sister properly and just started RUNNING as fast as I could and blaming everyone else but myself….
I eventually learned how to turn that gaze inward and really look at who and what I am, and decided to turn it around. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight, and posts like this are the ways I talk myself into believing that I’ve actually succeeded in conquering my mental illnesses, problems, and dealing with the death of Brittany.
A few years ago I found myself down one path, and the universe had other ideas. It made me take another path, and on that path I learned to look inward and really start to understand the machine that runs Damian. Once I started to figure out that instruction manual, once I really started to learn how the fuck I work, things got so much easier and guess what?
Life is good.
I have a code I live by now. I always try to do the right thing, no matter the cost. It fucking sucks. I’m pretty sure I lost out on a big job a few weeks ago for following that path, but I want to be the best me I can be.
You know how I know I’m doing it right? I’ve got this lady snoring in my ear next to me, and her chubby cat laying on top of both of us as I type this. They love ME, for me, and because I’m me.
I just took a step back and learned what it meant to be me.
And it’s cliched to say this, but I never thought I’d live this long. I thought I would have killed myself so many years ago, either on purpose or accident, but now I’m planning for a future. A GREAT future, and I know if I can do it.. I thought I was such a lost fucking cause, but here I am! NAPA! Fucking NAPA CALIFORNIA! Little Damian from Shreveport…
That’s what I want to leave you with on this fine February morning.
If I, Damian, can do all these things… What can you do?
Therapy, medicine, Meditation and really sitting with WHO you are and what you really need in life, really helped me figure it out, but like everything in life, that doesn’t mean it will work for you. But it took a lot of hard work, and I mean REALLY FUCKING HARD WORK ON MYSELF.
I look in the mirror, and other than the 20lbs I want to lose, I see the best god damned Version of Dammit Damian Alexander Burford that I’ve ever been.
I asked some friend what their “Why?” was tonight and most people don’t know, but I know… My why is to teach people that there is another way, a better way to live life. I fucked up a lot, listen to me and my mistakes and maybe it can help you.
Just don’t give up. I wanted to give up so many times, and I wouldn’t be here right now with Claire slobber on my knee had I quit. So don’t quit.
Challenge me, grow and become better.
I can’t stress it enough. I’m a fucking idiot, dumbass, mother fucker. If I can do this, what can you do?
