Full moon madness

Who else is feeling this FULL MOON juju?


Claire says I’m feeling it extra hard because it’s a full moon in Leo and I’m one of the most Leo ever, but that’s magic and malarkey… isn’t it?
I’m sitting here tonight in my living room in Napa with the Full moon floating right outside our patio door. It’s moonlight is the only thing lighting this living room, other than the glow of this laptop. I’m sitting here soaking in the night and I’m sitting here doing what I always do in these late evenings, thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Claire and I sat back tonight and under the moonlight, we talked about our future.



Our Future.

So strange after so many years of feeling completely alone and isolated to have someone to share this thing we call life with.

We sat and we talked and it felt… GOOD. It’s so strange to tell someone all your crazy ideas and have them not only encourage them, but get them.

She believes in me and this manic/add/depression addled brain and sees so much potential inside it, and when I look at her I just see so much potential in her. We’re a great team, even when we are fighting about something stupid. Most of our fights are about something stupid, or because someone skipped a meal.

I’m sitting here tonight in the moonlight and I can’t help but feel so fucking lucky for this life that I’m getting to live. Once upon a time I couldn’t imagine living past 21, but now I’m unfathomly 40 years old and I’m thinking about my next decade.

She’s asleep in my lap, and I’m watching the Full moon. I think about the past and I wish I could go back in time and tell that broken little boy that I use to be, the one that would throw fits on the internet when things wouldn’t go his way, or thought that all his problems would be solved if he “MOVED TO DENVER….”

But YOU, DAMIAN, were the reason for all the bad shit that happened in your life. Once you stopped drinking yourself to sleep every night and once you stopped blaming the city of Colorado Springs for all your short comings and really stopped and looked at the picture…

I was a broken, depressed little boy who had not dealt with the death of his sister properly and just started RUNNING as fast as I could and blaming everyone else but myself….

I eventually learned how to turn that gaze inward and really look at who and what I am, and decided to turn it around. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight, and posts like this are the ways I talk myself into believing that I’ve actually succeeded in conquering my mental illnesses, problems, and dealing with the death of Brittany.

A few years ago I found myself down one path, and the universe had other ideas. It made me take another path, and on that path I learned to look inward and really start to understand the machine that runs Damian. Once I started to figure out that instruction manual, once I really started to learn how the fuck I work, things got so much easier and guess what?

Life is good.

I have a code I live by now. I always try to do the right thing, no matter the cost. It fucking sucks. I’m pretty sure I lost out on a big job a few weeks ago for following that path, but I want to be the best me I can be.

You know how I know I’m doing it right? I’ve got this lady snoring in my ear next to me, and her chubby cat laying on top of both of us as I type this. They love ME, for me, and because I’m me.

I just took a step back and learned what it meant to be me.

And it’s cliched to say this, but I never thought I’d live this long. I thought I would have killed myself so many years ago, either on purpose or accident, but now I’m planning for a future. A GREAT future, and I know if I can do it.. I thought I was such a lost fucking cause, but here I am! NAPA! Fucking NAPA CALIFORNIA! Little Damian from Shreveport…

That’s what I want to leave you with on this fine February morning.

If I, Damian, can do all these things… What can you do?

Therapy, medicine, Meditation and really sitting with WHO you are and what you really need in life, really helped me figure it out, but like everything in life, that doesn’t mean it will work for you. But it took a lot of hard work, and I mean REALLY FUCKING HARD WORK ON MYSELF.

I look in the mirror, and other than the 20lbs I want to lose, I see the best god damned Version of Dammit Damian Alexander Burford that I’ve ever been.

I asked some friend what their “Why?” was tonight and most people don’t know, but I know… My why is to teach people that there is another way, a better way to live life. I fucked up a lot, listen to me and my mistakes and maybe it can help you.

Just don’t give up. I wanted to give up so many times, and I wouldn’t be here right now with Claire slobber on my knee had I quit. So don’t quit.

Challenge me, grow and become better.

I can’t stress it enough. I’m a fucking idiot, dumbass, mother fucker. If I can do this, what can you do?

Related Posts:

Vintage Interview: The Ataris in Longview, Texas circa 1999. Interview about Hotel fireworks shenanigans.

What can I say looking back at this all those years ago? Some cool stories, but I was still figuring out what and how to do interviews and make them interesting. You can see some of the out of the box ideas like, “What kind of video game would the Atari’s be?” And things like that. I do remember Kris being very kind to us, and I really remember leaving this chat enthused. I also stole Kris’ Porn Star T-shirt. I later tried to give it back to him some 10-15 years later and he politely declined it and we had a good laugh about my dumb ass fanboy stealing clothes right off a touring musician’s back (or in this case the sweat soaked shirt was left on the table where we had our chat.) Photos also by Damian, who never really did master how to be a concert photographer.   I had the chance to see The Ataris, back in August of ’99, when they opened for Good Riddance at the Galaxy Club in Dallas. I was impressed by their show. I was surprised to learn of their chance coming to Longview, Texas and I jumped at the chance to interview Kris after the show. Currently the band is signed to Kung Fu records with two releases, “…Anywhere but here,” and “Blue Skies, Broken Hearts … Next 12 Exits.” They also have an EP out on Fat Wreck Chords, “Look Forward to Failure.”-Damian– Damian: So Kris. How many times have you had your heart broken?Kris: Hmm… About four times that really mattered. Damian: It seems every song on the new album is about a girl. Any particular reason why?Kris: I wrote most of those songs over like a couple year period and I was going through a lot of changes in my life. I think that it was basically that the record was a transition from like moving from one place to another and getting over past things and trying to move along with my life. There were a lot of things I left behind when I moved.Damian: SO, How is your relationship with Kung Fu Records?Kris: We can’t complain too much. They definitely got us to where we are today as far as they helped me start and move out to California and get our first record out. You know we basically did all the other work ourselves. Went out and toured ourselves. We fuckin played shows for five people across the country a couple of times and once we put out the EP on Fat, that boosted our sales a ton and Fat Mike was kind of responsible for the ripple effect of us actually starting to blow up a little. So I give Kung Fu some credit and I give Fat some credit. Now the only problem we have with Kung Fu is that kids are telling us theat they can not find our records on Kung Fu, but they can find the one on Fat. So we’re working with Kung Fu. We’re trying to make the best of this situation. We’re doing fairly well as it is. We want to keep eye to eye with our label.Damian: Now I heard you guys were suppose to do a full length on Fat, but something happened with the EP and Fat canned ya’ll.Kris: Nope. That’s completely false. We never had any kind of intentions of doing a full length on Fat. We have one more record on Kung Fu and weather or not what we do after that is unknown. We’d like to do a full length on Fat after that and I’m sure that it would probably work out but that is sooo far away. I’ve got the whole new record written and we probably won’t record. We’ll just be touring for the next year, I’m sure. We’re probably going to go to Europe and tour and probably Australia and come back for another U.S. tour. Then we’ll probably record. So our next record probably won’t come out till 2001 at this fucking pace.Damian: Now I saw you guys play with Good Riddance in Dallas, there seemed to be more of a hardcore type audience, did you feel alienates in any ways playing with them?Kris: well you know some crowds are hit and misses. All the other shows we played with the Good Riddance have been excellent. We’ve done a lot of shows with them. Same way with a lot of other bands. We’ve toured a lot with The Vandals, We’ve toured a lot with Lagwagon, A lot with the faster Fat style punk bands or whatever they tend to draw a more punk, you know, whatever type of audience. And We’ve grown on people like that. Its like we can’t win every audience over. We just take the good with the bad and try to make the best of every situation. If one guy is being a fucking chump, that’s fine. Let him be. In the end, we’re still gonna have a good time.Damian: So how have you evolved as a sing writer since the first album?Kris: I think that when I recorded most of the first record I recorded it probably from like sixteen till, actually fifteen till nineteen or something and during that period most of my musical tastes were pretty standard. I didn’t branch out and listen to a lot of variety. I was pretty Ramones, The Queers, Decedents, The Misfits. That stuffs all pretty good. Now I listen to such a wide variety of things that I’m influenced by so many different types of music and so many different types of bands. That’s definitely helped my song writing as a hole and also learning stuff from being in the studio with different people. Working with Joey Cape in the studio was a hole big learning experience. That guy is one of my best friends and I totally respect him as a song writer. He’s given me a lot of tips

Read More »

Like this article?

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Share on Linkdin
Share on Pinterest
mostlyharmlesspodcast.com