Full moon madness

Who else is feeling this FULL MOON juju?


Claire says I’m feeling it extra hard because it’s a full moon in Leo and I’m one of the most Leo ever, but that’s magic and malarkey… isn’t it?
I’m sitting here tonight in my living room in Napa with the Full moon floating right outside our patio door. It’s moonlight is the only thing lighting this living room, other than the glow of this laptop. I’m sitting here soaking in the night and I’m sitting here doing what I always do in these late evenings, thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Claire and I sat back tonight and under the moonlight, we talked about our future.



Our Future.

So strange after so many years of feeling completely alone and isolated to have someone to share this thing we call life with.

We sat and we talked and it felt… GOOD. It’s so strange to tell someone all your crazy ideas and have them not only encourage them, but get them.

She believes in me and this manic/add/depression addled brain and sees so much potential inside it, and when I look at her I just see so much potential in her. We’re a great team, even when we are fighting about something stupid. Most of our fights are about something stupid, or because someone skipped a meal.

I’m sitting here tonight in the moonlight and I can’t help but feel so fucking lucky for this life that I’m getting to live. Once upon a time I couldn’t imagine living past 21, but now I’m unfathomly 40 years old and I’m thinking about my next decade.

She’s asleep in my lap, and I’m watching the Full moon. I think about the past and I wish I could go back in time and tell that broken little boy that I use to be, the one that would throw fits on the internet when things wouldn’t go his way, or thought that all his problems would be solved if he “MOVED TO DENVER….”

But YOU, DAMIAN, were the reason for all the bad shit that happened in your life. Once you stopped drinking yourself to sleep every night and once you stopped blaming the city of Colorado Springs for all your short comings and really stopped and looked at the picture…

I was a broken, depressed little boy who had not dealt with the death of his sister properly and just started RUNNING as fast as I could and blaming everyone else but myself….

I eventually learned how to turn that gaze inward and really look at who and what I am, and decided to turn it around. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight, and posts like this are the ways I talk myself into believing that I’ve actually succeeded in conquering my mental illnesses, problems, and dealing with the death of Brittany.

A few years ago I found myself down one path, and the universe had other ideas. It made me take another path, and on that path I learned to look inward and really start to understand the machine that runs Damian. Once I started to figure out that instruction manual, once I really started to learn how the fuck I work, things got so much easier and guess what?

Life is good.

I have a code I live by now. I always try to do the right thing, no matter the cost. It fucking sucks. I’m pretty sure I lost out on a big job a few weeks ago for following that path, but I want to be the best me I can be.

You know how I know I’m doing it right? I’ve got this lady snoring in my ear next to me, and her chubby cat laying on top of both of us as I type this. They love ME, for me, and because I’m me.

I just took a step back and learned what it meant to be me.

And it’s cliched to say this, but I never thought I’d live this long. I thought I would have killed myself so many years ago, either on purpose or accident, but now I’m planning for a future. A GREAT future, and I know if I can do it.. I thought I was such a lost fucking cause, but here I am! NAPA! Fucking NAPA CALIFORNIA! Little Damian from Shreveport…

That’s what I want to leave you with on this fine February morning.

If I, Damian, can do all these things… What can you do?

Therapy, medicine, Meditation and really sitting with WHO you are and what you really need in life, really helped me figure it out, but like everything in life, that doesn’t mean it will work for you. But it took a lot of hard work, and I mean REALLY FUCKING HARD WORK ON MYSELF.

I look in the mirror, and other than the 20lbs I want to lose, I see the best god damned Version of Dammit Damian Alexander Burford that I’ve ever been.

I asked some friend what their “Why?” was tonight and most people don’t know, but I know… My why is to teach people that there is another way, a better way to live life. I fucked up a lot, listen to me and my mistakes and maybe it can help you.

Just don’t give up. I wanted to give up so many times, and I wouldn’t be here right now with Claire slobber on my knee had I quit. So don’t quit.

Challenge me, grow and become better.

I can’t stress it enough. I’m a fucking idiot, dumbass, mother fucker. If I can do this, what can you do?

Related Posts:

“Here’s Your Future” or “We’re gonna move to Northern California.”

YOU GUYS!!!! Claire and I are going to do the dang old, dang thing! Ha! No we’re not getting married or having kids….We are moving out of Colorado at the end of January! I have been here for 20 years, and while I feel like Colorado is my home and I will one day die here; Claire has lived in Colorado all her life and wants a taste of something different! So we are going to go off and have an adventure. We have no clue where we will land, or awaits us, and it doesn’t matter as long as we have each other and our Dick… the tabby cat. Claire has a passion for fine wine and has always wanted to live near the water. After talking her out of moving to Florida, we are currently looking towards Northern California. But we’re also looking at Burlington, Vermont after she had a dream about it a few weeks ago. So it feels like anywhere is on the table right now. I don’t really care where we go. I’ll go anywhere with her, as long as it is not Florida. I have no doubt that one day we will be back in Colorado one day, but for now, we’re going to go see where the roads take us. Life is too short. I’m already 40 and maybe we’ll get 40 years together… So why not get out there and see what is happening in the world? Plus, for the last two years I have sat here on the couch and “worked on myself,” and worked on my growth, while she has been sitting here feeling stagnant. It’s time for me to be the supportive partner and it’s Claire’s time to grow now! You know, but with a nice ocean breeze in her hair. We might land on our asses. It might be a disaster, but as long as we are doing it together… We’re going to have one hell of an adventure to tell you all about. I could end it there, but before I go I want to thank the Graf brothers for taking a chance on me at Music City Hot Chicken – Denver. I was ready to do something stupid. I was ready to stay here, while Claire went off to California without me. We would try the long distance thing and see where our roads lead us. But the brothers and owners of Music City, Sam and Jordan heard of my predicament and my own special version of “Should I stay or should I go now,” rambling through my head. I had been telling them that I wanted to stay here and build something with them here in Denver. I just wanted to be a part of something special. We sat down and they each told me it would be okay for me to leave and things would work out just fine. A few weeks ago, I was cleaning the fryers for the umpteenth time, “Here’s Your Future” by The Thermals, played unprompted in my head. That week, Claire had been in California exploring and looking for her future home. There was no one home waiting for me and I was probably going to fall asleep on the couch again that night, after drinking too many beers. I was sad and lonely and in mourning for the life I thought I was going to have to lose. “Here’s Your Future.” And I know it’s obvious to many of you, but remember I’m not that fast and on more than one occasion someone has asked me if I was on the spectrum…. I’m scraping the flour out of the bottom of the fryers, and then it dawns on me… It took me long enough to get there, but I figured it out. I was already building something special. I was building a life with this wonderful woman. I would be a fool to let her go on alone without me. I want to go on this journey with her. I decided to commit to her and us. Had the brothers not sat me down and told me everything would be alright if I left, I probably would have stayed and kept pushing through. I would have made a bonehead decision to stay here and potentially miss out on a great adventure with these women I love, oh so much. Also, if I’m being completely honest, I always felt in over my head in my job at MCHC. I wasn’t cutting it, and didn’t know how to communicate what I needed to make things work. Cleaning those fryers, I thought a lot about Eric Stoltz and his time on Back To The Future. Stoltz was originally cast in Back To The Future as Marty McFly, when Michael J Fox was not originally available. Fast forward seven weeks of filming and it just wasn’t working out. On paper Stoltz seemed like a great idea. It could have worked and it could have been great, but the chemistry just wasn’t there and during those seven weeks, Michael J Fox became available and the film would of course go on to become a classic. I’m excited for the young man who is taking my spot. He’s got way more knowledge, experience and the back of house skills needed to take the restaurant to where it needs to go. He’s younger, hungrier and incredibly positive. He’s what that place needs and I can’t wait to watch it become a runaway success… much like Michael J Fox and Back to The Future. So “Here’s You Future:” We’re going to go off and have some adventures. We are going to hunt for that simple, happy, healthy life. We’re going to do it together. We’re not leaving until the end of January. I’m going to be with MCHC till mid-January and we will be leaving heading somewhere the first week of February. We’re going to be looking for recommendations on where to go. She wants

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