From Alissa:

“sorry you are in that, its retardation not blooming. think about birth and also how much the sun hates us, and how fucking special it is to be able to feel a past. smell it. converse with it. have it. but to have the benefit of a future, its our internal health plan. chew on bits of ice as well, very uplifting and constructive-but socially annoying. i enjoy it during large group meetings, and dealing with the homeless. i miss our high school car rides.”

-Alissa Rogers

Today would have been my friend Alissa’s 40th birthday. I’m sitting in Hawaii looking at the water and my face is wet as I think about Alissa and my thoughts drift to my sister Brittany, gone now 13 years herself. I think about my friends who recently lost siblings. I think about how I wouldn’t be sitting here in fucking Hawaii had it not been for these folks who helped shape me into the pear shaped individual I am today.

Here’s something I wrote when Alissa passed some years back. I miss her and think of her often.

This was written in grief, and a first draft was posted. It desperately needs to be edited, but I just can’t stop crying when I read this to make the fixes…. So please forgive all the grammatical errors and such…

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Alissa Rogers was the first woman who let me touch her boobs.

She was wearing these fake silicon pads you put into your bra and wanted me to feel them too see if they were real. Years later she told me that was the night she wanted to take my virginity, but I was too dumb to make a move.

Alissa Rogers is the reason I am the man I am today.

Alissa Rogers passed away today.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write about that wild, wonderful and obnoxious woman. I’ve been sitting here in silence for the last 15 minutes trying to find the right words when it dawns on me, had she been here she would have said something wildly inappropriate to break the tension. She would have made me and every one else laugh. She was fierce. She was hilarious. She was my friend.

I went to Byrd High school in Shreveport, Louisiana with Alissa and I fucking hated her. She was everything I wasn’t. She was loud, obnoxious and loved attention. Of course I would fall in love with her.

It happened in a dream. I had seen her out and about at places like the Karma Cup coffee house or St Vincent Mall, but I didn’t know her. Then she showed up in a dream of mine. More like invaded it. That was more her style. It wasn’t a sexual dream, it was just a dream where this larger than life girl played a part in. Somewhere a switch in my head turned my hatred into adoration.

I was shy and awkward. I didn’t know how to approach her or become her friend, but fate intervened as during those late nights loitering at the Karma Cup, my best friend Michael Burnley ended up dating Alissa’s friend Jessica.

As Michael and Jessica grew closer, so did Alissa and I. All these years later, I’m pretty sure the only reason we hung out in High School was because I had a car. She knew I loved her, and I would drive her anywhere. I did it gladly, just to be next to and a part of that thing that she was.

She became my partner in Crime. I’d drive her to school everyday. I’d drive her around Shreveport. We’d drive to Dallas, Houston, Longview, or Tyler, Texas to see Punk Rock bands play.

It was one of those days where I was driving Alissa around. We were going to go hang out with her new boyfriend Joe. I was jealous, but I was blindly in love and would do anything for her. It was on this day, my life changed for the better.

We drove across the bridge into Bossier City, to a magical place called Books A Millions. It was big box book store with a gigantic parking lot, just blocks away from the mall. All the cool kids hung out in that parking lot of weekend nights.

There at Books a Million, on that faithful day, We sat down at a patio table and I met Joe Upton and his friends. I remember sitting down at the table not knowing a single person at the table. I was shy. I was quiet. I was nervous and scared. Normally I would not have said a god damned thing, but something happened that day, because I reached out my hand to the person sitting on my right. I introduced myself to the guy sitting next to me.

That person was Matt Crowson. Matt has become someone I’ll never be able to get rid of. Also sitting at that table were two other very important people in my adolescence, Joe & Ivy Woods

It was through that group of Alissa, Matt, Joe, Ivy and later on Jason Gay; that I would find my courage. I would find my inspiration. I would find the beginnings of the path that has led me here. I had always wanted to start an underground fanzine, and guess what? Joe and Jason had one.

I started interviewing bands for Joe and Jason’s KGB magazine. Alissa was a big part of pushing me to becoming more comfortable with myself. She used her powers of persuasiveness to help push me down the road I needed to be on.

Fast forward a few years later and it was New Years Eve of 2001. Alissa had just returned to Shreveport after living in Denver for years. It was the first time in my entire life that it had snowed in Shreveport. I spent that evening hanging out with Alissa driving in the ice and snow. I looked up at the snow falling on Shreveport and knew that night that my world would change.

No, nothing like that happened. It was just Alissa. She was this force of nature. She signified change. She was something bigger than herself and she was a GIANT, but she was also a mouse. How can you be two things at once, I don’t know but she was so much more than anything you could ever fit in a box, and I know that in some of the most important moments of my life, she was there.

Although we have both lived in Colorado for years, we rarely saw each other. We’d make half-assed plans that would often fall apart. When we did come together, there was always an adventure to be hand and it was always electric.

The last time we hung out, we sat on my porch after a comedy show at the Hi-Dive. I was her wing-man to creep on yet another old flame of hers. Nothing had changed in all those years. I was still the boy that would hang out with her while she pined for other boys, but instead of jealousy I was happy to be there with my old, old friend.

We sat on the porch and talked about Shreveport, life and death. We’d both lost loved ones and it had effected us greatly. We talked about the future. We talked about who we had become, and I let her know that she was the reason I am who I am.

Everything I do and everything I am, when I look back at who I’ve become….. I remember that dream of her and how she called to me. I was a moth and I was drawn to her flame. Maybe that’s why I dreamed of her that night? Maybe I somehow knew she would open up the world to me.

Had I known then that it would be the last time I would see her, I would have held on a little longer, but we don’t know, do we?

She was one, if not the most important people in my life and now she’s gone. Some candles just burn too bright. And Alissa burnt very bright.

I’m glad that I got a chance over the years to let her know the impact she had on my life, what she meant to me, and how my life will never, ever be the same without her in it.

I love you Alissa Rogers and thanks for letting me touch your boobs that one time.