Facebook Archives: I can't sleep. Who can these days, amiright? - Damian Burford: Freelance Writer/Podcaster from Denver, CO & Napa, Ca

Facebook Archives: I can’t sleep. Who can these days, amiright?

This is a Facebook post from June 4th, 2020. This was written during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. I wrote a lot on Facebook during that time, I like a lot of what was written here and wanted to save it here for posterity as Facebook slowly smothers the life out of it’s platform. -Damian June 2024

I can’t sleep. Who can these days, amiright?

I told the lady I was going to stay up and read, and sure…I did a little of that, but mostly I sat in the chair and thought about the future. I felt good about those thoughts, but then I sat down here and started reading Facebook and instantly regretted feeling good.

Because, let’s face it. We’re all doomed aren’t we?

I just finished the book Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. It was a gift from the lady, her favorite book. She was irritated that I didn’t read it right after Christmas, when she gave it to me. But books have a life and a mind of their own. They come to you when you least expect them, and when they open up to you…. When they truly open up to you… it’s magic. This book came to me and opened up at the right place and time.

Jitterbug Perfume is about an ancient king who finds his first white hair in his beard. It’s decreed by the law of his land that he is to die of “old age.” Old Alobar isn’t ready to die and decides to run from death. He continues to run from death and somehow discovers the secrets to an everlasting life. The secrets are wonderful, but lonely.

Towards the end of the book, I don’t think I’m spoiling this for anyone, but a random black character is murdered by police in New Orleans and there are violent protests and vigils for this character. But it’s a book about living forever and does this character really die? They don’t talk about him too much in the book. It’s a white book and made for liberal white people, but it has been on my mind for the last few days.

Reading the chapters about this character’s death, while simultaneously watching the news was…. I don’t have the words for those feelings. Incredible is not a large enough word. His character was just a token. Created by a white man to die after a few humble sentences or paragraphs.

I’m not a smart man. I’ve never been good at looking at the metaphors in novels. Maybe his death was represented in that way on purpose, and it’s the times we are living in that makes me evaluate what that character means. ya know?

But that’s not what sticks with me about the book. The book is about how Alobar decides to change his world. He does so by breaking the chains of his oppressors, which are DEATH and the rules.

It’s an interesting and fun book and I can’t wait to read more of Tom Robbins. But I keep thinking about how the book says Alobar learns to become immortal because he shirks his role in the greater scheme of life and rebirth. He decides not to be a part of the SYSTEM, but to be an individual.

AN INDIVIDUAL.

That’s his first step to immortality. Becoming an individual.

But isn’t that the problem we have in AMERICA right now? Isn’t’ that the virus we are spreading to the whole world?

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.
instead of….
WE WE WE WE WE WE WE WE WE WE.

They’re the same letters. Just upside down.

No longer do we live in the country of “We the People…” We live in a country of “ME!!!!!! The People!!!!”
We’re a country of people who want what’s best for US, but when we say us… we mean… “Me. ME! MEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

Me the people. Me the People. Me the People. Me the People.

Look, I know I’m telling almost all of you reading everything you already know. But we’ve been living “Me the people” our entire lives and it’s not really working is it?

The rich get richer, and the poor keep dying when they don’t have too. Who cares who can live forever, if the masses are dying in our streets.

I see the “All lives Matter” posts and comments, and hell, I thought the same thing at first. All lives do matter, but WHY IS MY LIFE WORTH MORE THAN OTHERS?

WHY?!?!

I struggled with these ideas when my sister died some ten/eleven years ago. Why her and not me? Why George Floyd and not me? Why? Why? Why?

Why?

What is a life worth? How much? How many tears? I wonder how many people have seen a dead body. I wonder how many people have watched a person die in-front of their own eyes. How would that change their world?

When I think of the “ALL LIVES MATTER!!!!” People I’ve been thinking of Jitterbug Perfume and the individualism it either taught or warned against. These are ignorant people, not bad people. Just fucking ignorant. They are just as much a product of the system as the dead black men laying in our streets.

It’s been hammered into our collective heads since birth that we should be looking out for number one. You know why? Because communism is EVIL. Caring for other people is EVIL.

I just know that we can not keep looking at the world and think that we belong as individuals. We have to start looking at the world from a place of WE.

Or, I dunno…. Here’s another half brained metaphor: The earth is a symbiotic organism. We have to work together, or cancer seeps into those cells and destroys it. Each of us carry that cancer inside us. So when we do not work to form a more cohesive unit, we die and we destroy others. And WE! AMERICANS! are doing it every day.

Dying.

America is dying and Americans are killing it.

It’s not just BLACK lives, it’s all lives. They have just taken the largest toil, for us. Man, They die every single fucking day for us. For what? FOR WHAT?!?!

Why are we taught from the day we are born that other people don’t fucking matter? Why is it okay for our culture to teach us and other cultures, because we influence the world… that no one matters except ourselves.

I mean, look at the god damned grocery store parking lot. Look at all those carts strewn across the parking lot. Some right next to the fucking cart corrals. Look at the tables of restaurants. Look at the grass in our parks. Look at the world. We can’t take care of what we’ve got. We can’t put on a fucking cloth mask to help save the world…..

We fucking destroy it every single day and think “I DESERVE BETTER.”

I dunno what to do.
I’m not a smart man.

I’m a 38, almost 39, year old man, who battles some weird depression he doesn’t understand. I struggle everyday to keep my head above water.

This little journal entry is my way of bloodletting my sickness out of me. I’ve got all this shit inside me, poisoning me and I have to let it out. I have to put it somewhere, so why not here…..

I don’t deserve to live on this planet any more than George Floyd and the lifetime of other people who have died unjustly. But here I am and I’m still here.

He entrusted us with this place. We should take care of it, and the only way we’re going to make this place better is if we work together.

However, there are things keeping that working together just out of reach and we have to destroy those things. We have to burn it all down. We have to set it all on fire. Then on those ashes, maybe… Just maybe instead of building a castle for ME, we can build a castle for US.

I have a message to myself I wrote on the back of a sticker sitting here on my desk and it says on it,
“How can I make the world a better place.”

It’s a thing I struggle with and struggle with often. Can I make the world a better place, no. But I think if i can get just a few other people to listen. Maybe if we can get a lot of people to listen… maybe…. just maybe…

And I think we are getting closer. We just need to keep asking the question WHY? Each and every day.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

And one last insomniatic thought from Jitterbug perfume by way of my brain:

We’re just soup. We’re born from soup. We live our lives. We go back to the soup. Why not make the best soup we can? Why not make everything the best for everyone?

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Dear Diary, Today I met Sona Movsesian. Today I met a friend.

July 22, 2022 No Comments

Conan O’Brien is one of my biggest comedy influences. He inspires me to keep it weird and goofy. His podcast, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is my favorite podcast, and was a huge influence on me bringing my dead horse back from the grave. Whether it be his Late Night shows, his classic episodes of The Simpsons or his podcast, I’ve listened or watched thousands of hours of entertainment Conan has provided. In the last few years, his trusty assistant Sona Movsesian has become one of my favorite parts of any of his shows or projects. Sona is one of the co-hosts of Conan’s podcast. Listening to her feels like listening to an old friend. She’s fast on her feet with the smart ass comments. She doesn’t take any shit from her infamous boss, but also takes it all. It’s a fine line and they’ve become one of the best comedy duo’s, ever. Sorry Andy! Sona did a signing tonight for her new memoir/humor book, WORLD’S WORST ASSISTANT, all about her life and times with Conan O’Brien. I twisted the chain on the old ball enough to agree to venture down to the city tonight to go see Sona do a reading/signing in an old grocery store turned Sporting Goods store/Event Space. The reading was great and at one point she asked the audience if any of us had seen the Showtime Original TV program, GIGOLOS. I enthusiastically raised my hand, because of course I have. An instant friendship with Conan’s assistant was born. I had been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to chat with Sona about in our few short minutes. I didn’t need to worry thanks to the venue/event assistant who remembered my hand jumping out of its socket during the reading. I could have asked about smoking weed (She’s a pothead), or ask her what it’s like to have the spotlight that’s been so near her, now on herself? Or who knows! Instead, Here I am standing in front of Sona, thinking about all these damned things to ask her about and we stand there and chat about GIGOLOS. God damned GIGOLOS, a terrible softcore porn disguised as a reality tv show! While I don’t recommend the show, I’m forever grateful for that night when I was scrolling through a Showtime free trial and asked, “what the hell is this?” Conan O’Brien might be on the hunt for a friend, but tonight I think I made a new best one. And the great thing? I bet there’s not a single person who didn’t encounter Sona on her tour this week that doesn’t feel the same way. I wish her great success with this book and beyond. I really hope I get to interview her one day.

Dwayne – Chris Fogal on his new project with Andy Tanner (New Noise Magazine #14 -Dec 2014)

July 20, 2022 No Comments

Editor’s Note: This is the raw draft of the interview published by New Noise Magazine. This draft has not been seen by an editor. There will be errors. Chris Fogal must not like his haircut, because this is a man of many hats. He’s the lead guitarist and vocalist for the vastly underrated pop-punk band The Gamits, and the lead guitarist for TaunTaun, now a Denver metal institution. On top of those two bands, Fogal owns and operates one of Denver’s premier recording studios, Black And Bluhm. It’s there that we chat with Fogal about his newest project, Dwayne with Andy Tanner from Laymen Terms, Andy Thomas from Tin Horn Prayer and Switzerland’s Michael Marti from Goodbye Fairbanks. Fogal, you already have The Gamits and TaunTaun. What do you get out of starting another band? Well, TaunTaun doesn’t do much anymore and the Gamits had just finished a bunch of touring overseas so it seemed like the perfect time to do the Dwayne thing. I really needed to write some stuff that had nothing to do with either of the other bands. I also have a new band from Switzerland called Midrake in which I play the drums so I’m up to 4! In January it looks like I might be in 5 bands! You’ve known both Andy’s for years with Tanner being from Laymen Terms and Thomas from Only Thunder and Tin Horn Prayer, how did Michael Marti come into the mix of things?Michael is our Swiss friend that I have been touring with for about 13 years on and off. We are super tight and even go on vacations together and stuff. We always talked about doing a band together so it was him and I that started Dwayne. Originally it was gonna be the two of us with acoustics so we could just have an excuse to get in a car and drive all over Europe eating food and partying. It became a whole band later when the songs started coming together. That’s when I called on the Andy’s to join the party. Recording technology has advanced so far and so drastically over the last few years, you can do almost anything without being in the same room. You own your own studio with Denver’s Black in Bluhm, What stops you from having more Frankenstein projects such as this one?Well nothing really. Right now I’m beginning collaboration with a couple buddies. I shouldn’t spill the beans until it actually happens but one of them is in the middle east and one is in California so yeah, there are no limits these days! With your other bands having such exciting and memorable names, why did you drop the ball with Dwayne? I never thought the Gamits was a very good name but at the time we came up with Dwayne I was pretty drunk and I wanted a name that raised no expectations and was not serious in any way. I asked my friend Dan something like ” what’s a stupid name from the 70’s or 80’s?” and the first thing he said was Dwayne! I don’t know why but I thought it was super funny and out of the whole list of potential names it just stuck. What are the future plans for Dwayne? How are you going to pull off double duty on a Gamits/Dwayne tour? We just got some great news on the label front and the tour front so in November we do a short midwest tour with both bands, then it looks like the album won’t be out until January so we will do some more USA shows after that. Then we head to Europe for Greotzrock and at least three weeks of tour over there. That’s not until May so there are no plans past that. I’d like to record more soon. Oh, we will also have a flexi vinyl record in November with a B side not on the album and a couple downloads that are on the album so there’s that.

Happy Birthday to Claire!

June 22, 2022 No Comments

Today is Claire Helme day! June 22nd! Happy 37th to my lover and Paramore! Claire, This last year has been rough on us both. We had been fighting a whole lot more, but the other night I wrote down this thought, “The pain we have been going through is the pain that comes with birth.” We are birthing a new life here in Napa, and it’s not supposed to be easy. This thing we are doing is supposed to be hard. I think we knew that, but we’ve both been surprised at just how hard things can be, while also feeling so damned easy. Moving feels a lot like building a house on quicksand, and that quicksand under our feet feels like I’m mixing too many metaphors. Since we sat down and REALLY talked about all of our fights and what’s fueling them, things have gotten so much better. The ground has started to feel so much more solid again. We feel connected once again. Before that talk, I had been looking for signs that we’re on the right path here in this place. I found that sign this last week when you frantically called me out onto the patio to see something fantastic! I was annoyed when I wandered away from whatever project I had been “working” on, but was so happy and surprised by what you had to show me. I can’t stop thinking about it. There it was, the plant that we had dropped on the hotel parking lot ground in Reno, Nevada. The planter shattered and we assumed the Spider plant was dead forever. Still, you listened to me when I wanted to replant the plant and see what would happen. I wanted to mix the dirt from our old life with our new life. I had faith in that plant. I had faith in us. And then the damned thing died anyway. It was dead, dead, dead. And then we were fighting, fighting, fighting. Nothing was going right in this new life and we were both so incredibly frustrated. I’ve been thinking a lot about garden metaphors, and when you called me out to the patio, I saw that the plant your mother had given us for our first home together, the one that we killed in Reno, had somehow magically sprung to life once again. I had been looking for a sign that we were on the right path, and once again the universe answered with a metaphor. We chose to come to this place with the clippings of our old lives. We replanted them here and panicked when it didn’t feel like they were growing. We forgot that growing things and life takes time. We forgot that pain comes with rebirth. We forgot how to tend our metaphorical garden. We just need to learn some more damned patience. We have to learn how to plant these seeds, and help them grow. And sometimes, we have to just plant the plant and then ignore it, only to be surprised months later that it’s not only alive, but looks to be thriving. It’s not as easy as some people make it look, and for us it’s mostly been easy. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to make your own garden grow, and that doesn’t even include all the work to grow that garden, together. Things are not going to just happen overnight for us. We have to till the garden and work to make things go. I’ve been watching more youtube videos late at night about gardening. I’ve been looking for more very real lessons and metaphors on how to continue to grow this life with you here in California. I love you so much and there is no place else I would rather be than on the couch, sipping wine, dancing in the kitchen and watching RuPaul. I can’t wait for us to figure out what we are planting here in Napa, and I can’t wait for us to help it grow.. Together.