Facebook Archives: I started Zoloft and So Can You.

This is a Facebook post from April 23, 2019. This was the beginning of my Anti-Depressants journey. I like a lot of what was written here and wanted to save it here for posterity as Facebook slowly smothers the life out of it’s platform. -Damian April 2023

A few months ago I posted on here asking for help with my mental health. I got over 100 responses and… Well. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t read any of it. I was too embarrassed and overwhelmed, but thank you all for your advice.

This is going to sound like I’m bragging or I’m looking for attention, but I just wanted to put this out there for those who struggle in silence, so that those can know they are not alone and if this buffoon here can work to make himself a better person, so can you.

As of Thursday I will be one month alcohol free. I haven’t “quit” drinking, but I’ve taken an extended sabbatical from booze. I gave myself a goal. I can not drink until I lose 25lbs. The first week was ROUGH, but once that detox was finished it has been smooth sailing. Best part, I don’t feel like I have an alcohol addiction. But I had been using alcohol in an unhealthy manner to deal with my temper, depression and really just turn off my fucking brain that never stops going 100 miles an hour. I do feel a lot better without it in my system, but god damn some days I just want that hoppy taste of an IPA in my mouth. Especially since the weather has turned for the better.

I’ve also switched to a mostly vegetarian diet. I’m working on eating about 1500 calories a day. It’s been almost a month and I’ve lost 10lbs already. It would probably be more, but while I don’t feel I’m addicted to alcohol, but sugar and EASTER CANDY are a real struggle to stay away from.

The weather has changed and it’s nice outside and I feel a thousand times better, most days. My temper is more under control and it’s easier to get out of bed, but I have to be careful because some days I feel super manic. And What goes up, most come down. I try to live my life on an even level. It’s hard work to keep yourself at a constant 5 out of 10, but that’s to help the manic fall, or to help keep me a float when I’m drowning, but lately I’ve had many people tell me how much better and happier I have been in these last few weeks.

Today I saw a doctor for the first time in 15 years. Blood pressure was good, and every test she ran looked normal and fairly healthy. Still waiting on that blood work.

We did sit and talk for a while about my mental health situation, which was the main reason for my appointment. As of today I’m going to be taking Zoloft. I always thought I was bigger, better and stronger and I didn’t need drugs. I could fight this on my own, but I can’t. I’m not going to make it without help. Easy words to type out to a computer screen, but hard to say out loud.

Things are okay now that the weather is better, but a few months back I was drowning in my head. My temper was out of control. I was like a live wire or raw nerve, on top of working in a very bad work situation, in a job that already takes a lot out of people.

It’s like being in an older video game, you reach the boss at the end of the level and you hit him over and over and over and then as the bad guys life bar hits a certain level they go berserk and bounce around and are harder to kill. I’m the monster at the end of the level and every day is a struggle to keep that life bar level high enough to not go berserk, to not lose control.

Recently someone I once was friends with killed themselves and that was it. I thought to myself, this is going to be me if I don’t get the help i need. The help I have been asking for. I’m going to die and I don’t want to die. I’m tired of drowning inside my head. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of every single day being a fucking struggle.

There were only two real moves. Get busy living or get busy dying. So I just took my first hit of generic Zoloft. I have an appointment next week with a social worker who is going to work to find me the right therapist. I’ve been working to right the ship.

And I want to thank all of you who have stood by me or called me out on mys shit. I want to apologize for those who may have been on the receiving end of my temper these last few months. This isn’t going to be a quick and easy fix, and fix is the wrong word. I’m just putting more tools into my toolbox and learning how to use the tools I have.

And for those of you who feel like they are drowning, there are life lines. It’s hard to admit there is a problem, I didn’t want to for so long. It’s a scary thing. But I’m as hardheaded and as stubborn as they come, if I can finally look for help, so can you. There are non-profits that will help. South Logan family practice came highly recommended to me, but I chose to go another avenue.

Again thank you to all of my friends I don’t deserve you guys at all and thank you all for the well wishes. If any of you have any advice on Zoloft, please message me. I’m going to do my research on it as well. I wanted Wellbutrin, but we think the anger/temper competent of my stuff comes from anxiety and a light case of OCD so we’re giving the old Z a college try.

And I love you all, but there is really no need to comment on this. Coming out with shit like this this already overwhelming enough. haha. But again, thank you all. I’m going to turn this off for the rest of the day. Go to the park or something or maybe I’ll just watch THE GOOD PLACE for the hundredth time again.

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To Claire, on the last day of her soul sucking job:

October 15, 2021 No Comments

My Darling Claire!Today you will set out on a new path. I’m so proud of you for making this leap and investment in yourself. It’s going to be scary jumping into the deep end of this ocean, but you have a life jacket and inflatable raft with me and the kitty, not to mention you’re scuba certified and a damned good swimmer. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t wait for you to figure out just how good a swimmer you already are and that I know you to be. It’s scary quitting a job, and losing that security, but I’m excited for the freedom you are about to find. I can’t wait to support you the way you supported me while I was figuring out my own path. But this is an adventure, and we’re in it together, especially because I’m not a particularly good swimmer. 😉 You need something that will help focus your vibrant energy, brilliance & passion. I see so much potential in you and I can’t wait for the rest of the world to catch on. Life is all about change and growth and I can’t wait to watch the growth that happens next for you. Fuck, this is starting to sound like some kind of cult shit, doesn’t it? All jokes aside, No more boring, soul sucking desk jobs for, my love! You’re going to find that perfect career for your talents, and I really do hope you find in in the wine industry. I can’t wait to see what you do next and I hope you love it as much as you love me and the kitty.In the days and weeks ahead, when you question your sanity in these decisions, remember that the kitty and I believe in you. Your family and friends believe in you. We all believe in you, and you’re going to do great things when you find that next path and career. When things get tough, and they will for a short time, please remember my favorite quote from a Harry Potter novel: “And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” — Albus Dumbledore This is an adventure. We’re lucky that we get to take it together. I can’t wait to see where these next adventures take us. I love you,-Damian PS. Sorry I dropped your very expensive bottle of essential oils into the toilet and clogged the damned thing and tried to hide it from you. Thanks for loving me and all my 90’s sitcom dad-isms. I’m sure all the wine in our future will help with that. 😉

BoySetsFire’s Nathan Gray on While A Nation Sleeps (New Noise Magazine #02 – May 2013)

July 20, 2022 No Comments

Editor’s Note: This is the raw draft of the interview published by New Noise Magazine. This draft has not been seen by an editor. There will be errors. BoySetsFire have ended their radio silence and returned to unleash upon us While a Nation Sleeps. This is the band’s first release in seven years, although vocalist Nathan Gray is quick to mention that he has been busy with other projects during that downtime such as I AM HEARSAY and THE CASTING OUT. While not playing music, Nathan has formerly worked as an employment consultant for people with disabilities. At the moment he is an Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) representative on a Coast Guard yard, “watching people work.” It was there on the Coast Guard yard on his lunch break that Nathan stopped to talk about the upcoming record. In a press release you spoke that “We didn’t want to do this record, we had to do it. Something inside us still ached and we needed to share it with you.” Some writers describe themselves as conduits for the universe at large. So for this record, are you a conduit or does this come from another place within you? I’m not a big fan of hocus pocus. I don’t believe the universe is doing this to me. I believe that my own dysfunction does this to me. I believe that’s what it is for all musicians and artists is their own feeble dysfunctions, which others can see as very cool. [Laughter] I believe that a lot of musicians and artists were pushed by a dark force, to an extent, that is inside us. That’s why we do it. It’s to let out those demons. I feel that most artists and musicians, if they do not do that, they will end up killing themselves or somebody else in the process. That is our psychology couch. I go to music. I go to what we do with BoySetsFire and with my other bands, to get out what I need to get out and be a well adjusted person. Or at least as well adjusted as humanly possible. I think for us it is more desperation that being a conduit. Listening to the new record, I’ve found that the new album is both angrier and mellower than the older albums. Does it feel that way to you? I do think it is mellow and angry all at once. That is just sort of who we are. We have a maturing process. I find that at the same time that as you mature and get older, you don’t always completely mellow out on some things. You almost get more pissed as you get older. “Really? It’s 2013 and this shit is still going on?!?” [Laughs] It’s bizarre how certain topics and things can be relevant for SO. FUCKING. LONG. You just look around and there is hysteria and stupidity everywhere. At the same time with a lot of things, there is a mellowing out, that I especially feel with our more melodic songs, that’s more of us fitting into our style. That’s what we became in a lot of ways with our more melodic sound. That IS BoySetsFire’s melodic sound. I don’t think we’ll ever refine our heavy style. With every album the heavier songs sound different from every album to album. As with the more melodic songs, seem to follow a certain path. I’m not quite sure why that is. It does seem to be working that way. I guess we have found our way for the more melodic songs and it just comes naturally and our heavy songs come naturally, but in this weird schizophrentic way. They are always different, all the fucking time, and every fucking album. Does the anger ever go away? It comes and goes, ebbs and flows. It is what it is. If it didn’t, I would be psychotic. [Laughter] If you’re always angry or always happy, there is always something wrong with you. [Laughter] I think that’s why BoySetsFire comes off so schizophrentic at times. It’s so up and down and up and down and happy and sad and angry and glad. That’s why it comes off that way. I really enjoyed the Charlie Chaplin quotes from the film The Great Dictator used in the album. In particular the quote: “You must speak.” “I Can’t.” “That is our only hope.” With BoySetsFire you have ultimately become a speaker for the speechless. You’ve spoken that BoySetsFire has saved your life though the voice that it has given you. What attracts you to being that voice? I don’t know if I could even tell you. It’s not natural. I think a lot of times self preservation is a lot more natural than to speak out. At the same time, You have to think that in some ways, speaking out and speaking for others is in a way self serving. It works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. Some people, it gives them a good feeling and makes them feel like they are accomplishing something. That in some way they are preserving their own freedoms by helping others with theirs. I feel like that is where my empathy comes from, to an extent. I do feel empathy for people. It’s a natural thing that comes about, while at the same time there is this knowledge that that empathy comes from a very natural place. It’s not some kind of artistic, fancy cosmic thing. It’s something that some people just have. You have it in you and it’s this driving force, just like self preservation. They are connected. When you fight for other people’s freedoms, when you reach out and touch someone else’s life. Well, in a lot of ways that comes back for you and the society you live in. How does the gratitude of a listener who has been helped by your music effect you? Of course if effects me positivity. It’s an honor.

Wide Right is the most punk rock bar in all of Denver in the year of 2021.

October 21, 2021 No Comments

The lady is out of town tonight, so I had a hall pass to do whatever I wanted… So I went to the Paramount Theatre and watched one of my favorite writers/npr personalities speak! Super exciting! But before and after the show, I stopped at the best gosh darn bar in downtown Denver, WIDE RIGHT. It’s a magical place of cheap drinks, great bar food that doesn’t feel hoity toity, and just a great vibe. When I’m there it reminds me of the clubhouse feel that the Triple Nickel Tavern in Colorado Springs had when I worked there…. and that was just the daytime.I came back after standing in line for two hours to meet David Sedaris. (more on that tomorrow, probably?) I was debating going home, but instead I flipped the Toys for Tots coin that was sent to me in the mail to entice me to donate money.It has a teddy bear on one side and the United State Marine Corps logo on the other. It seems as good a coin as any to flip and help you decide fate. Obviously the Teddy bear is the HEADS and with HEADS I would go home, and tails, I go into the clubhouse for adventures and open mic night. I had never been so damned happy to see a Marine in my life as I opened my palm to the USMC logo staring back at me. I went in and found chaos. It was open mic night, just after a huge show at Ratio just down the street. It was open mic night alright, but tonight in the full moon it felt oh so much more like a party. It felt anarchic. It felt alive. Wide Right might be the most punk rock bar in all of Denver right now. They didn’t need to have bands playing here or people dressed a certain way! Wide Right is a divey, welcoming, performance arts space. It’s full of crazy drugged out artists just looking to make strange, weird art. I sat in the back and watched open micer after open micer eat shit. I watched a kid meltdown on stage, and I watched a bunch of really crazy, excited and scared people try to make art in a room full of people who don’t much give a shit. It was wonderful. It was electric. It was home. You could feel this creative desperation in the air and it was almost as intoxicating as the house made cocktails ($3 everyday during happy hour)!Maybe it’s the David Sedaris stories running around in my head, but I came home and felt compelled to write about this magic that I witnessed tonight in “downtown Denver.” It may not look the same, or feel the same… but there are places in this city where magic still happens. There are places here where people can still go chase those dreams, and not be judged. There are places still here in Denver, where you can go and feel like you’re still in your small hometown. Wide Right is a magical place. It’s a place I want to go to and visit when I have the almighty Hall Pass from the GF. It’s the place I want to try eating shit at stand up again (the few times I tried stand up in the past I was just thrown on shows by a guy with initials for a name who just used me for connections, but that’s a whole other story as well…), and it makes me want to surround myself with people who just want to fucking MAKE STUFF. I promise, I only had like 3 of those “Spicy” shots. They were good. Meghan makes some mean fucking drink recipes. ($3 during happy hour. 4-6pm every day. That spicy Mango marg was soooo fucking gooooood.) Congratulations to Meghan and Jeremy. You’re magical people and You’ve made a magical place. Thank you for sharing that magic with us all.xoxo