Facebook Archives: I started Zoloft and So Can You.

This is a Facebook post from April 23, 2019. This was the beginning of my Anti-Depressants journey. I like a lot of what was written here and wanted to save it here for posterity as Facebook slowly smothers the life out of it’s platform. -Damian April 2023

A few months ago I posted on here asking for help with my mental health. I got over 100 responses and… Well. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t read any of it. I was too embarrassed and overwhelmed, but thank you all for your advice.

This is going to sound like I’m bragging or I’m looking for attention, but I just wanted to put this out there for those who struggle in silence, so that those can know they are not alone and if this buffoon here can work to make himself a better person, so can you.

As of Thursday I will be one month alcohol free. I haven’t “quit” drinking, but I’ve taken an extended sabbatical from booze. I gave myself a goal. I can not drink until I lose 25lbs. The first week was ROUGH, but once that detox was finished it has been smooth sailing. Best part, I don’t feel like I have an alcohol addiction. But I had been using alcohol in an unhealthy manner to deal with my temper, depression and really just turn off my fucking brain that never stops going 100 miles an hour. I do feel a lot better without it in my system, but god damn some days I just want that hoppy taste of an IPA in my mouth. Especially since the weather has turned for the better.

I’ve also switched to a mostly vegetarian diet. I’m working on eating about 1500 calories a day. It’s been almost a month and I’ve lost 10lbs already. It would probably be more, but while I don’t feel I’m addicted to alcohol, but sugar and EASTER CANDY are a real struggle to stay away from.

The weather has changed and it’s nice outside and I feel a thousand times better, most days. My temper is more under control and it’s easier to get out of bed, but I have to be careful because some days I feel super manic. And What goes up, most come down. I try to live my life on an even level. It’s hard work to keep yourself at a constant 5 out of 10, but that’s to help the manic fall, or to help keep me a float when I’m drowning, but lately I’ve had many people tell me how much better and happier I have been in these last few weeks.

Today I saw a doctor for the first time in 15 years. Blood pressure was good, and every test she ran looked normal and fairly healthy. Still waiting on that blood work.

We did sit and talk for a while about my mental health situation, which was the main reason for my appointment. As of today I’m going to be taking Zoloft. I always thought I was bigger, better and stronger and I didn’t need drugs. I could fight this on my own, but I can’t. I’m not going to make it without help. Easy words to type out to a computer screen, but hard to say out loud.

Things are okay now that the weather is better, but a few months back I was drowning in my head. My temper was out of control. I was like a live wire or raw nerve, on top of working in a very bad work situation, in a job that already takes a lot out of people.

It’s like being in an older video game, you reach the boss at the end of the level and you hit him over and over and over and then as the bad guys life bar hits a certain level they go berserk and bounce around and are harder to kill. I’m the monster at the end of the level and every day is a struggle to keep that life bar level high enough to not go berserk, to not lose control.

Recently someone I once was friends with killed themselves and that was it. I thought to myself, this is going to be me if I don’t get the help i need. The help I have been asking for. I’m going to die and I don’t want to die. I’m tired of drowning inside my head. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of every single day being a fucking struggle.

There were only two real moves. Get busy living or get busy dying. So I just took my first hit of generic Zoloft. I have an appointment next week with a social worker who is going to work to find me the right therapist. I’ve been working to right the ship.

And I want to thank all of you who have stood by me or called me out on mys shit. I want to apologize for those who may have been on the receiving end of my temper these last few months. This isn’t going to be a quick and easy fix, and fix is the wrong word. I’m just putting more tools into my toolbox and learning how to use the tools I have.

And for those of you who feel like they are drowning, there are life lines. It’s hard to admit there is a problem, I didn’t want to for so long. It’s a scary thing. But I’m as hardheaded and as stubborn as they come, if I can finally look for help, so can you. There are non-profits that will help. South Logan family practice came highly recommended to me, but I chose to go another avenue.

Again thank you to all of my friends I don’t deserve you guys at all and thank you all for the well wishes. If any of you have any advice on Zoloft, please message me. I’m going to do my research on it as well. I wanted Wellbutrin, but we think the anger/temper competent of my stuff comes from anxiety and a light case of OCD so we’re giving the old Z a college try.

And I love you all, but there is really no need to comment on this. Coming out with shit like this this already overwhelming enough. haha. But again, thank you all. I’m going to turn this off for the rest of the day. Go to the park or something or maybe I’ll just watch THE GOOD PLACE for the hundredth time again.

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Shannon And The Clams hometown NYE Concert – Napa Valley Register

December 27, 2024 No Comments

A Profile piece on the bandleader of Shannon and The Clams, Shannon Shaw! The piece is about her hometown roots in Napa and how she takes those pieces with her all over the world.

BoySetsFire’s Nathan Gray on While A Nation Sleeps (New Noise Magazine #02 – May 2013)

July 20, 2022 No Comments

Editor’s Note: This is the raw draft of the interview published by New Noise Magazine. This draft has not been seen by an editor. There will be errors. BoySetsFire have ended their radio silence and returned to unleash upon us While a Nation Sleeps. This is the band’s first release in seven years, although vocalist Nathan Gray is quick to mention that he has been busy with other projects during that downtime such as I AM HEARSAY and THE CASTING OUT. While not playing music, Nathan has formerly worked as an employment consultant for people with disabilities. At the moment he is an Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) representative on a Coast Guard yard, “watching people work.” It was there on the Coast Guard yard on his lunch break that Nathan stopped to talk about the upcoming record. In a press release you spoke that “We didn’t want to do this record, we had to do it. Something inside us still ached and we needed to share it with you.” Some writers describe themselves as conduits for the universe at large. So for this record, are you a conduit or does this come from another place within you? I’m not a big fan of hocus pocus. I don’t believe the universe is doing this to me. I believe that my own dysfunction does this to me. I believe that’s what it is for all musicians and artists is their own feeble dysfunctions, which others can see as very cool. [Laughter] I believe that a lot of musicians and artists were pushed by a dark force, to an extent, that is inside us. That’s why we do it. It’s to let out those demons. I feel that most artists and musicians, if they do not do that, they will end up killing themselves or somebody else in the process. That is our psychology couch. I go to music. I go to what we do with BoySetsFire and with my other bands, to get out what I need to get out and be a well adjusted person. Or at least as well adjusted as humanly possible. I think for us it is more desperation that being a conduit. Listening to the new record, I’ve found that the new album is both angrier and mellower than the older albums. Does it feel that way to you? I do think it is mellow and angry all at once. That is just sort of who we are. We have a maturing process. I find that at the same time that as you mature and get older, you don’t always completely mellow out on some things. You almost get more pissed as you get older. “Really? It’s 2013 and this shit is still going on?!?” [Laughs] It’s bizarre how certain topics and things can be relevant for SO. FUCKING. LONG. You just look around and there is hysteria and stupidity everywhere. At the same time with a lot of things, there is a mellowing out, that I especially feel with our more melodic songs, that’s more of us fitting into our style. That’s what we became in a lot of ways with our more melodic sound. That IS BoySetsFire’s melodic sound. I don’t think we’ll ever refine our heavy style. With every album the heavier songs sound different from every album to album. As with the more melodic songs, seem to follow a certain path. I’m not quite sure why that is. It does seem to be working that way. I guess we have found our way for the more melodic songs and it just comes naturally and our heavy songs come naturally, but in this weird schizophrentic way. They are always different, all the fucking time, and every fucking album. Does the anger ever go away? It comes and goes, ebbs and flows. It is what it is. If it didn’t, I would be psychotic. [Laughter] If you’re always angry or always happy, there is always something wrong with you. [Laughter] I think that’s why BoySetsFire comes off so schizophrentic at times. It’s so up and down and up and down and happy and sad and angry and glad. That’s why it comes off that way. I really enjoyed the Charlie Chaplin quotes from the film The Great Dictator used in the album. In particular the quote: “You must speak.” “I Can’t.” “That is our only hope.” With BoySetsFire you have ultimately become a speaker for the speechless. You’ve spoken that BoySetsFire has saved your life though the voice that it has given you. What attracts you to being that voice? I don’t know if I could even tell you. It’s not natural. I think a lot of times self preservation is a lot more natural than to speak out. At the same time, You have to think that in some ways, speaking out and speaking for others is in a way self serving. It works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. Some people, it gives them a good feeling and makes them feel like they are accomplishing something. That in some way they are preserving their own freedoms by helping others with theirs. I feel like that is where my empathy comes from, to an extent. I do feel empathy for people. It’s a natural thing that comes about, while at the same time there is this knowledge that that empathy comes from a very natural place. It’s not some kind of artistic, fancy cosmic thing. It’s something that some people just have. You have it in you and it’s this driving force, just like self preservation. They are connected. When you fight for other people’s freedoms, when you reach out and touch someone else’s life. Well, in a lot of ways that comes back for you and the society you live in. How does the gratitude of a listener who has been helped by your music effect you? Of course if effects me positivity. It’s an honor.

Dear Diary, Today I met Sona Movsesian. Today I met a friend.

July 22, 2022 No Comments

Conan O’Brien is one of my biggest comedy influences. He inspires me to keep it weird and goofy. His podcast, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is my favorite podcast, and was a huge influence on me bringing my dead horse back from the grave. Whether it be his Late Night shows, his classic episodes of The Simpsons or his podcast, I’ve listened or watched thousands of hours of entertainment Conan has provided. In the last few years, his trusty assistant Sona Movsesian has become one of my favorite parts of any of his shows or projects. Sona is one of the co-hosts of Conan’s podcast. Listening to her feels like listening to an old friend. She’s fast on her feet with the smart ass comments. She doesn’t take any shit from her infamous boss, but also takes it all. It’s a fine line and they’ve become one of the best comedy duo’s, ever. Sorry Andy! Sona did a signing tonight for her new memoir/humor book, WORLD’S WORST ASSISTANT, all about her life and times with Conan O’Brien. I twisted the chain on the old ball enough to agree to venture down to the city tonight to go see Sona do a reading/signing in an old grocery store turned Sporting Goods store/Event Space. The reading was great and at one point she asked the audience if any of us had seen the Showtime Original TV program, GIGOLOS. I enthusiastically raised my hand, because of course I have. An instant friendship with Conan’s assistant was born. I had been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to chat with Sona about in our few short minutes. I didn’t need to worry thanks to the venue/event assistant who remembered my hand jumping out of its socket during the reading. I could have asked about smoking weed (She’s a pothead), or ask her what it’s like to have the spotlight that’s been so near her, now on herself? Or who knows! Instead, Here I am standing in front of Sona, thinking about all these damned things to ask her about and we stand there and chat about GIGOLOS. God damned GIGOLOS, a terrible softcore porn disguised as a reality tv show! While I don’t recommend the show, I’m forever grateful for that night when I was scrolling through a Showtime free trial and asked, “what the hell is this?” Conan O’Brien might be on the hunt for a friend, but tonight I think I made a new best one. And the great thing? I bet there’s not a single person who didn’t encounter Sona on her tour this week that doesn’t feel the same way. I wish her great success with this book and beyond. I really hope I get to interview her one day.